


Cosmo's Best BDSM Tips #8

by witteefool



Series: John and Sherlock Get It On [3]
Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: BDSM, Blow Jobs, Humor, M/M, Sex Gone Wrong, Sherlock's experiments, Wax, terrible cosmo sex tips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-10
Updated: 2012-09-10
Packaged: 2017-11-13 22:49:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/508566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witteefool/pseuds/witteefool
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock has discovered a list of sex tips in Cosmo and decides he needs to put them into motion in order to make John happy. John may think differently.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cosmo's Best BDSM Tips #8

**Author's Note:**

> This was done for a SoCal Sherlockian fan fic challenge. It was supposed to be a drabble. As it is almost 2k words, I don't think it qualifies as one anymore. 
> 
> The medical terms are accurate, as long as the internet can be trusted!
> 
> The original BDSM sex tip list comes from an article on Nerve, although the version I read on Jezebel had only 10 tips. You can read the list (and fantastic commentary) here: [17 Shades of Stupid](http://www.nerve.com/advice/ridiculous-tips/shades-of-stupid-emcosmo-ems-worst-bdsm-tips).
> 
> The intro to the series was written by [Don't Startle the Witch](http://dontstartlethewitch.tumblr.com). You can read it, and her contribution to the drabble, [ here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/574735).

Despite set backs, Sherlock was determined to work his way through the final items on the list. Surely it couldn’t go any worse than his previous attempts?

Opening the issue of Cosmopolitan to its bookmarked page, Sherlock consulted tip #8,

“ _Quiz him – what’s your favorite flower, movie, etc.—and if he gets it right, he’s earned ten seconds of oral. Wrong and you drizzle candle wax (use a massage candle, which won’t burn) on his chest._ ”

He considered the paragraph and decided it could be the first successful venture of the bunch, allowing for some variations.

First off, why on Earth would he quiz John on such trivial matters? It wasn’t as though Sherlock even had a favorite flower (although he had longed for Digitalis to make an appearance in one of his cases.)

But what to ask John instead? He did possess some intellect, so a challenge was required. Perhaps if he kept the questions in the realm of medical science?

It was fortuitous that John enjoyed fellatio. But before he could put the magazine’s suggestion into motion an experiment was required—what compounds would create a more effective oil-based candle?

 

John was placing the last of the groceries (a litre of milk) into the fridge when Sherlock decided to make his attempt. As John straightened up Sherlock pushed him against the kitchen cabinets, leaning towards his neck to give it a love bite. Almost immediately John leaned his head back and sighed happily. Good timing then, excellent.

“What brought this on?” John asked bemusedly.

But it was far too early to give the game away. The next item of business was to get him into the bedroom (Sherlock’s bedroom, there were too many steps to John’s.)

“Come with me?” Sherlock asked coyly.

Too much? He wasn’t normally so openly flirtatious with John—it was more of a “I’m ready for it, come and get me” situation with them. But that was what the list was for, after all, “spicing up” their sex life.

If Sherlock didn’t make it clear right now how much he needed John… Best not to think about that.

He tugged impatiently at John’s wrist and marched quickly to his bedroom. It hadn’t required any cleaning, besides a change of sheets, as he hardly ever slept there alone.

For a moment John stood awkwardly inside the doorframe as Sherlock went to his wardrobe to collect the necessities he’d prepared over the past week.

“Should I, uh, lie down?” He asked tentatively.

Sherlock gave a brisk nod and took out the small box containing the candle and matches. He placed them both onto the side table, then sat sideways on the bed to give John another kiss. It shouldn’t be scientifically possible for lips to feel electrified just by the touch of human skin, but Sherlock would swear that at least one full ampere of power was coursing through him.

With an impatient tugging motion John got the hint to remove his jumper and Sherlock set to work on the shirt underneath. The doctor wore far too many clothes; it was a constant headache to undress him.

But the prize was worth it. Sherlock stroked his fingers against the slight muscle of John’s chest and kissed at his softer belly. John had often complained how his physique had been lost after the army fitness regime wore off, but Sherlock knew his sharp angles were hard to cuddle up to without some padding. After a quick dip of tongue at his navel, Sherlock began to loosen John’s trousers with his agile fingers.

John groaned slightly and tilted up his hips to allow both pants and trousers to slide downwards. Sherlock crawled back on his knees to peel them entirely off and then threw them to the ground without ceremony.

Raising himself slightly on his elbows, John looked questioningly at Sherlock, who remained fully clothed. In return Sherlock smiled wickedly at him and moved back up John’s body, kissing at his thighs. John was forced to lean back again and made soft exhalations as the kisses neared his more sensitive areas.

The second slight moan let Sherlock know that John was prepared for the night’s activities to truly begin. He placed a soft, chaste kiss to John’s cock.

“What are the initial symptoms of Hepatitis?” Questioned Sherlock.

John sat up fully, taken aback,

“What?”

“Just answer the question, John! Surely you know?” Sherlock demanded.

With a shrug John paused for a moment and replied,

“Malaise, sometimes jaundice, abdominal discomfort, general flu-like symptoms depending upon whether it’s chronic or acute.”

Sherlock nodded his acceptance and placed his mouth on John’s cock, sucking gently and teasing the foreskin with his tongue.

“Agh! Sherlock, what?”

But John was so shocked by the sudden blowjob that he was forced to stop speaking for fear of biting his tongue. He fell back once more with a slight strike of his skull to the headboard.

Sherlock took slightly more into his mouth until John was fully erect and panting with need. He had answered question 1 far too easily, question 2 must be more challenging.

He removed his mouth, which earned him a sharp gasp from John, and posed the next quiz question,

“What procedures are used to predict early iron overload?”

John groaned and pushed back slightly, earning his skull another sharp knock into the headboard.

“Sherlock, is this for a case? Can we not do this now?” He questioned in his most long-suffering tones.

“It’s imperative you answer it now, John.”

Sherlock eyed the unlit candle sitting atop the small table on the left side of the bed. It was a bit lumpy and test versions had emitted a chemical odor, but Sherlock hadn’t expected to be an expert candlemaker at the get go. Should he light it now? He rolled off John and flicked the lighter until it produced flame. John had wilted a bit; he let out a sustained groan before answering,

“God, I feel like I’m in medical school again. Um, transferrin saturation and serum ferritin concentration?”

Sherlock lit the candle and set it back on the table. Best to let it melt a bit.

“What else?” He prompted.

“Well, since you seem to know so much about it…” John began.

“Just answer the question, John. It’s quite simple.” Sherlock replied with his typical condescension. 

“Fine, fine. Check hemoglobin concentrations. Liver biopsy, I suppose. That should be it.”

The candle had enough wax to depress the wick a bit. Sherlock lifted it and let a few drops spill onto John’s chest. The reaction was instantaneous.

“What the hell, Sherlock! What the fuck was that?”

John pushed himself upwards and grabbed Sherlock’s wrist roughly so the candle wax was no longer in danger of pouring onto him.

“You missed quantitative phlebotomy.” Sherlock replied churlishly, placing the candle safely out of John’s reach.

“What does that have to do with burning the skin off my chest?” John said vehemently.

Sherlock pushed him back down, careful to avoid the areas the wax had hit. They did look a bit red. Maybe a store-bought candle could be purchased for next time. If there was a next time.

Punishment fulfilled, Sherlock set back to work again and took in a large portion of John’s cock. Like a man experiencing whiplash, John went down for the count and groaned in a mixture of enjoyment and frustration. The doctor’s hands reached to weave themselves into Sherlock’s hair.

Using his tongue in a way that had proven in the past to drive John mad, Sherlock continued fellating his partner, being careful not to provide too much suction. He wanted this to last.

Sherlock had prepared five questions in total—if he reached question 5 before John found climax, he didn’t deserve it. Honestly, John had been a topline doctor—why was this proving difficult for him?

So quickly that John could barely react, Sherlock asked,

“What is the medical term for improper alignment of the eyes?”

John pushed at Sherlock’s shoulders until the man was forced to remove his face from the vicinity of his more sensitive region. The headboard cracked against John’s head and the wall. As John reached up to feel at the place of impact (there must be a lump by now), he unleashed a thoroughly perturbed glare at his partner,

“Is this some sort of test?”

He sounded thoroughly put out at the thought, much to Sherlock’s disappointment. Distraction, that was key. Sherlock moved to place his hand on John’s lessening erection, but found it slapped away.

“Stop.”

Sherlock considered ignoring the instruction until memories of his previous failed attempts came back to him. Best to lessen the damage. And there were two more possibilities on the list, after all.

He must have betrayed some emotion on his face, as John frowned down at him and then patted the bed to his side.

“Sit.”

“Are we down to one word sentences now?” Sherlock asked petulantly.

“Don’t avoid the subject, Sherlock. Come up here.”

Annoyed, Sherlock followed John’s instruction and sat against the headboard, arms crossed over his still-clothed chest.

“Are you trying something ‘new’ again?” John asked, sounding far less put out then before.

Perhaps the dense man had finally figured it out. Good, they could end this unnecessary talk and then continue. Sherlock nodded decisively, staring concentratedly at the far wall. 

There was a sigh to his right and Sherlock turned with some aggravation,

“Can’t we just get on with it, John? You seemed to be enjoying yourself.” He considered for a second, “Somewhat.”

Sherlock generally could judge John’s response only about 53.4% of the time, but this one seemed to come entirely out of thin air.

The shorter man began to giggle uncontrollably, clutching at Sherlock’s shoulder as he almost doubled over in laughter.

“Sherlock, where are you even getting these things?” John gasped out between gales of laughter.

“Cosmopolitan magazine.” Murmured Sherlock.

John huffed in a few deep breaths and wiped a tear from his eye, “What did you say?”

“Cosmopolitan magazine, John. It’s a women’s magazine Molly subscribes to.”

John lost it again, laughing uproariously.

“Oh god, oh god. I wish I’d asked you earlier.” He slapped the bed a few times for good measure.

Sherlock tightened his crossed arms and thinned his lips.

“I don’t see why you find this so humorous.”

John looked up at him, tears glistening in both eyes now, and seemed to sober up a bit.

“I’m not laughing _at_ you, Sherlock. It’s very… sweet of you, actually. And entirely typical. I just… God, I had no clue. I thought you were doing some mad sex experiment.”

John leaned up and placed a quick kiss on Sherlock’s cheek, smiling widely.

“There was a spreadsheet.” Said Sherlock, still not entirely placated.

With an amused sigh John leaned against Sherlock and nodded towards the still-burning candle,

“That’s the reason there’s red wax all over the kitchen, right?”

Sherlock nodded and smiled a bit. The wax had boiled over in one of his test tubes and splattered everywhere, rather spectacularly.

“I’ll concede the candle may have been slightly over-the-top.”

Sherlock rarely conceded anything, so John had best appreciate it, he thought. But seeing the older man smiling so beatifically up at him Sherlock couldn’t help but giggle a bit himself.

“Next time I will avoid wax.” He continued, pushing himself off the bed. Time to look into tip #9.

As Sherlock strode out the door, John yelled at his back, sounding desperate,

“Next time? Sherlock, wait! Sherlock! What do you mean next time?”


End file.
